Oz may be home to some deadly critters, bushfires, floods, rapist koalas, and unnecessary road-rage but none of these can prepare the average Australian for the zombie apocalypse. What will YOU do when the maggot infested undead rise up and interrupt your quality couch time watching the Footy…you’ll have much more to worry about than a pub with no beer. So whether you’re a politically correct crybaby, xenophobic bogan, native Australian, asylum seeker, Bible bashing Christian, sports-mad fanatic or non of the above, we must all stand together and fight this undead menace. So where do you begin? Arming yourself will probably be a good start….
You’ve gotta shoot’em in the head….right?
After the Port Arthur massacre in 1996 gun control legislation in Australia transformed considerably when newly elected Prime Minister John Howard introduced tighter gun laws under the National Firearms Agreement. Today only
5.2% of Australian adults own and use firearms for purposes such as collecting, target shooting, hunting feral animals or shooting bikies. Sure, this figure keeps us safer from the living but against the undead it’s about as safe as bobbing for Box jellyfish. Even if you do own a Firearms Licence, all semi-automatic rifles and pump-action shotguns are outlawed anyway, so you are restricted to single-shot rifles which are of little use against a pack of hungry dead cannibals. So what does an Aussie do when he can’t hit up the local gun shop and purchase an anti-tank gun you ask? Well, lucky for you I compiled a “serious” list of readily available melee weapons.
Accessible “Aussie” Zombie Killing Tools
12. Hand-to-Hand Combat
Hand-to-hand combat may be the most ancient form of fighting known to man, but unless you’re Steven Seagal and proficient at neck breaking then forget it, not even drunken king hits will suffice against the undead. Run dickhead!
Practicality rating: 0.5/10
Used historically by Aboriginal Australians as a hunting weapon. The Boomerang is thought of as an Australian icon and is currently used for sport and entertainment. The inner edge could be reinforced with razor lining, however catching it when it comes back may result in losing important wanking digits, therefore for zombie killing it is completely fucking useless!
Practicality rating: 1/10
10. Beer Bottle
A beer bottle is a bottle made to contain beer…duh. In pub brawls they are often used as makeshift clubs that are strong enough to crack human skulls. When smashed on the head of a zombie, the long neck can be used as a handle for severe stabbing. Beer can be found in any Australian refrigerator.
Practicality rating: 2/10
9. Victa Lawn mower
This Australian made rug muncher is as tough and reliable as lawn mowers get. They can be purchased with 2 or 4 stroke engines with a weight range between 26kg to 52kg’s, so lifting them shoulder height will require mustle. If you don’t like mess a catcher can be used to collect zombie blood and brains, however this will add extra weight; I recommend a straight up mulcher: it’s a dirty job but someone’s gotta do it!
Practicality rating: 2.5/10
8. Julian Assange
Famous Australian activist, publisher and journalist but best known as founder of Wikileaks. Julian Assange has become an enemy of the U.S Department of Defence, basically for knowing shit before shit happens, so hit up Wikileaks regularly for early intel on the upcoming zombie apocalypse. Currently Assange has diplomatic asylum inside the Ecuadorian embassy in London subject to an arrest warrant by Swedish police, so he may or may not sexually assault you if you’re a Swedish backpacker.
Practicality rating: 3/10
The Chainsaw is a portable mechanical saw powered by a two-stroke engine. The blade is made from wear-resistant alloy steel and each tooth on the cutting chain is chromium plated steel, meaning it can cut through bone and sinew like butter. Intense use will leave the entrails of the undead at your feet and you looking like a used tampon, but the need for petrol and regular maintenance will cost you.
Practicality rating: 4/10
6. Cricket Bat
The Cricket Bat consists of a cane handle attached to a flat-fronted willow-wooden blade. With frequent use the handle is prone to cracking, so utilizing the blade instead of the face will deliver better skull fracturing. For better results get your hands on the Kookaburra with carbon fiber reinforced polymer support down the spine of the bat: endorsed by Ricky Ponting but banned by the ICC!
Practicality rating: 5.5/10
5. Holden ‘Ute’
Since 1951 the Holden Utility vehicle has become an Aussie icon for tradies and bogans nationwide. With it’s slick design, cabin space and practical load carrying capability the Ute can be “utilized” into an affective zombie killing machine. Just reinforce it, add a bull bar, throw your swag and Victa lawn mower in the back and off you go. Fast getaway must have!
Practicality rating: 6/10
4. Phillip’s Head Screwdriver
Named after it’s American founder Henry F. Phillips, the Phillip’s Head is a must have close-combat tool. The crosshead screw design and self-centering sharp tip give it a monumental advantage over the regular flat-head design. Keep one in the tool belt for easy access when you find yourself wrestling a walker.
Practicality rating: 7/10
A Spade is a tool used for the purpose of digging or removing earth. Modern Spades are quite sturdy in shape and have a metal tip which can be sharpened for extra zombie decapitation efficiency. The common Spade is readily available in most Australian backyards.
Practicality rating: 7.5/10
The Machete is a large cleaver-like cutting tool mainly used for chopping and slashing through undergrowth and various foodstuffs. Machetes split open coconuts with ease so a zombie’s skull should not be a problem. If you do not own a Machete, search the car of any Vietnamese Australian and you may be in luck!
Practicality rating: 8/10
The Crowbar is a tool consisting of a metal bar with a single curved end and flattened points. It’s durable construction is commonly used for removing nails, prying apart boards and “breaking” and “entering”. The Crowbar is relatively light weight, strong and perfect for close-quarter zombie bludgeoning.
Practicality rating: 9.5/10
Ok, so now that you’ve chosen your weapon of zombie mass-destruction (you’re welcome by the way), used your mother-in-law as a shield and chainsawed your way out of the first wave, you now need to decide whether to stay or run? If you’re an avid Wikileaks viewer then perhaps you prepared well in advance so staying put won’t be a problem. Remember, the key elements in zombie apocalypse survival are weapons, water, food, beer and barricade!
A stocked pantry full of emergency foods such as powdered milk, canned vegetables, dried fruits, canned seafood, crisp crackers, pasta, beer and grains should nourish long enough to ride out the worst of the invasion.
When boarding up your premises allocate time by creating a diversion. Chopping up the Grandparents and discarding their decrepit body-parts on the front lawn will spare a few vital minutes. Use barricade materials with hard wood, such as desks, tables, dressers and inside doors; primarily anything bulky enough to reinforce windows. So there you go, a good boyscout is always prepared! But what if you’re not prepared to knuckle down?
PHEW!!! Forgot to bring underpants, but I made it….!